closer to me.

Sometimes people say crazy things to themselves, like, "I wish I would just die". And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't one of them. At one point or another, we all go through things that make us question our existence. But fact of the matter is, I went through a year of torture to guarantee myself life after 17. The human brain has its way of blocking out pain and suffering. Will you remember that it hurt? Absolutely. But you will never be able to recall the magnitude of it until it stares you in the face. If you asked me yesterday if I would do it all over again, I would say yes. Today, however, I had to think twice. I made the mistake of watching the movie 'My Sisters Keeper'. I thought, "No big deal. I know what happens. I can handle it." After all, I've been through it and I think about it almost everyday. What I didn't realize at the time that I pushed the play button was that I wasn't just watching a movie. I was bringing myself back in time to when I was sick. The doctors and nurses at the hospital. The stares you get at the mall. The wig shopping. The constant throwing up and the fear of tomorrow. And the worst part; not seeing the friends you made at chemotherapy because they didn't make it through the night. 10 minutes and 53 seconds into the movie, and my mascara didn't stand a chance. I didn't have leukemia, I had lymphoma. I was lucky. We pretty much knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to die. But if I wasn't diagnosed, if I had just ignored my symptoms and carried on with everyday life, I would have. Watching 'My Sisters Keeper' definitely made me a bit depressed. But more importantly, it reminded me that by fighting and refusing to give up, I gave myself the greatest gift of all. It reminded me that I can do anything. Nothing else in the world can come close to the feeling you get knowing that you saved your own life. Sometimes things move so fast and you get so caught up with stuff that doesn't matter that you forget what its all about. This movie brought me back down to earth. It brought me back to real pain. But most importantly, it brought me back to me.