Love.. or something like it.

I've always been very guarded. Very closed up to the idea of love and everything that goes along with it. i.e: Marriage. Something about it just never sat right with me. The idea of loving someone forever scared the hell out of me. And part of that is because I never believed that anyone could love me forever. I've lied to myself many times, and often tried to convince myself that what I felt was love. I guess somewhere deep down, I wanted to have faith in it. But no matter how hard I tried, my opinion always ended up back on the negative end of the spectrum. I was recently fortunate enough to meet someone who helped change my firm stance on the subject. Suddenly, I became open to the possibility of love and all it has to offer. I didn't have to lie to myself or trick my feelings into something that wasn't really there. It just happened, and it was easier than i ever thought it would be. Instead of finding reasons why I should love him, I couldn't think of a reason why I shouldn't. He showed me that love can exist, and its not just some hocus pocus created by the people in hollywood to sell movies. You love people in many different ways and there's no explaining why or how. Its a powerful feeling that you have inside of you, and no one can stop it or tell you that it isn't real. Even if those people don't love you back, or at the same magnitude you love them, it doesn't matter. You just roll with it. Love can make you happy. It can make you sad, angry or excited. It can make your dreams come true, or shatter your whole world. It can make you dance on park benches like there's no one watching. It can create a pain in the innermost part of your soul and cause you to be completely miserable. But however you are affected by it, its there. And there's no way to ignore it.

the way we were.

So I lost my best friend. He didn't die or disappear though, we just weren't seeing eye to eye. I feel like I'm going through a terrible break up. My eyes are red, puffy and burning like hell. I haven't slept or eaten anything in over two days. I'm basically living off of a daily multi vitamin and gatorade, taking 5 hours a day off from crying to go to work. Every story I hear and song on the radio reminds me of him and I think I'm going insane. Just to rewind for you.. We decided that we shouldn't date each other because we didn't want to ruin our amazing friendship. As it turns out.. I think not dating caused much more damage. "To date or not to date" became the big question, and I suppose discussing it actually tore us apart. I think a tiny part of us both wanted to be together. But instead we ran like hell in the opposite direction because we were scared. Scared of what exactly? Changing. Becoming people we don't know or care to be for that matter. But maybe we would have found out how effortless a relationship could be rather than analyzing every detail like a business proposition. Perhaps I'm just not ready. You see, he's not the kind of guy that I'd want to date right now. And it's not because I don't love him, because I do. It's just that he's the kind of guy that I'd rather date in the future.. because I don't think I'd ever want to stop dating him. At this point it doesn't even matter what would have happened though, because somehow I still ended up with a bleeding heart.

They say the best relationships stem from friendship. Well I'm calling their bluff. My heart hurts so bad and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think anymore or what to make of all this. My head is a mess. I just want things to go back to normal. I just want my friend back. No dating. No bullshit. Just me and him.. the way we were.

closer to me.

Sometimes people say crazy things to themselves, like, "I wish I would just die". And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't one of them. At one point or another, we all go through things that make us question our existence. But fact of the matter is, I went through a year of torture to guarantee myself life after 17. The human brain has its way of blocking out pain and suffering. Will you remember that it hurt? Absolutely. But you will never be able to recall the magnitude of it until it stares you in the face. If you asked me yesterday if I would do it all over again, I would say yes. Today, however, I had to think twice. I made the mistake of watching the movie 'My Sisters Keeper'. I thought, "No big deal. I know what happens. I can handle it." After all, I've been through it and I think about it almost everyday. What I didn't realize at the time that I pushed the play button was that I wasn't just watching a movie. I was bringing myself back in time to when I was sick. The doctors and nurses at the hospital. The stares you get at the mall. The wig shopping. The constant throwing up and the fear of tomorrow. And the worst part; not seeing the friends you made at chemotherapy because they didn't make it through the night. 10 minutes and 53 seconds into the movie, and my mascara didn't stand a chance. I didn't have leukemia, I had lymphoma. I was lucky. We pretty much knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to die. But if I wasn't diagnosed, if I had just ignored my symptoms and carried on with everyday life, I would have. Watching 'My Sisters Keeper' definitely made me a bit depressed. But more importantly, it reminded me that by fighting and refusing to give up, I gave myself the greatest gift of all. It reminded me that I can do anything. Nothing else in the world can come close to the feeling you get knowing that you saved your own life. Sometimes things move so fast and you get so caught up with stuff that doesn't matter that you forget what its all about. This movie brought me back down to earth. It brought me back to real pain. But most importantly, it brought me back to me.

my friend

you were the one guy that i trusted.  the one that made me feel like it was ok to let my guard down and be myself with.  but you proved me wrong.  you reminded me that i can't put too much faith in people.  this has to do with our friendship.  i never would've acted the way you did.. and that hurts.  

i miss my friend.  i miss knowing that we were always there for each other.  i miss our silliness.  i miss watching but never finishing movies with you.  i miss the friendship we had.. and i want it back.

bumblebee fly away..

so you know when you're upset about something.. but you're not upset about it at the same time?!  like, you know something is for the best, but it still stings a bit.  that's where i'm at right now.  i was sort of seeing this guy for the last few months.  and by sort of i mean it was technically a friends with benefits set up.  but i guess i screwed up somewhere along the line bc i really started to like him.  i didn't want a relationship and neither did he, so it was working out great.  it got to the point where even though neither of us wanted a serious relationship.. i still wanted to know that he actually liked me.  i wanted to know that he actually gave a shit.  don't get me wrong.. i'm not the type of girl that needs to be showered with affection, but every once in a while wouldn't hurt.  i think everyone needs that sense of security.  the funny thing about the whole situation is that when i think about it, we really didn't have any chemistry.  and i think we both knew it.  he just figured it out before i did.  i think i liked the idea of him so much that i ignored all the signs.  when something didn't go as i had hoped, i would make excuses.  i began lying to myself.  tricking myself into believing something was there that wasn't.  a couple of days ago i decided to open my eyes.  i realized that i was becoming someone i don't know and definitely never thought i'd be.  i decided to free myself from myself.  so like i said: i know this is for the best.. but it still stings a bit.

so i guess i'll start blogging..

lately i've had so much going on in my life that i randomly decided to start a blog.  i'm not exactly sure what i'm gonna blog about per say.. and i don't even care if anyone reads it or finds it interesting.  i suppose the main point is to get things off my chest and learn what it's like to breathe again.